Parenthood-related Illness

Don't have a kid if you object to the following:

Severe insomnia (a given)
Sharp-plastic toy-in-foot syndrome
Deafness interspersed with supersonic hearing
Continual diet and "support-wear" addiction
Other addictions include caffiene (purely cold) and alcohol (purely warm)
Bank account haemorrage
Obsessive lego picking, and occasional fuzzy felt peelage
Haggard appearance
May become blind to most types of mess
Constant elbow-in-boob-itis
Heightened sense of smell
Lop-sided hips/ arms/ back from child-wearing
Incurable baby voice
May develop ability to see 2 seconds into the future but be powerless regarding what happens
Ability to go from fully reclined to completely upright while still unconscious
Loss of memory (except when it comes to remembering to feed the family three times a day for the rest of your life, of course)
Loud shouting when near a road
Facial expressions which belie actual emotion (You really are very angry that Little Fred has put his penis in his bolognese...)

Comments

Now we are Five, and going to school!

I have no excuses, my blogging has totally dried up. I kept thinking of LOADS of ideas for blog posts, but didn't want to write because either nobody would read them, or because there are already a ton of "mummy bloggers" already doing it. Well, SCREW that. I love writing and talking shit, so I need to get it out, regardless! SO... Time has gone by and this little dumpling: has grown sooooooo much into this rather smart schoolgirl: And I'm sure I'm the same as every mother in that looking at those two photos makes me want to cry! She is a completely different person! Oh how I miss those chubby little cheeks and huge eyes! It seems like a world away, and also only yesterday. School has brought with it a whole new set of worries, achievements and well, confusion. I thought I'd know it all as a teacher, but nothing prepares you for THE OTHER SIDE. When I was teaching and parents dropped their kids off at school and insi...

Does it offend you yeah?

OFFENSIVE. What is offensive? That which is offensive to you is different to that which is offensive to moi. Or so they might say. They probably wouldn't say that as it sounds weird. I am somewhat confusicated this week. I made a request on a Facebook group page of local people for a hitman. Not a bunk bed, not a local antenatal class, and not a dildo. I can't help but think the dildo would have offended less... Just in case it needs clarifying, it was a comedic, sarcastic, immature joke. I live in a rather well-to-do, slightly racist, middle class town with twenty too many old people's homes and it's the kind of place where the introduction of a new Lidl store causes heart attacks. It's very pleasant here, but locals actually get a kick out of queueing at the post office, it's like a hobby. I'm pretty sure the "tut" originated in this neck of the woods. ANYWAY. My joke "distressed" a lot of people and I was virtually spanked an...

Closing?

Hey, long time no write! I have been quite busy lately, and it has led me to make a few decisions... My small Daphne duck is 3 now, and goes to nursery a few days a week. We need a new fence, and an MOT for the car, and I'm getting fed up of socks and pants with holes in (definitely not the kinky kind). I need to go back to "real" work. With real money, which can actually pay for stuff. I'm teaching again now, and it's fine, but it takes up a lot of time. And I'm knackered. I also happened to get a lot of orders this month, GREAT! My effort and marketing is finally paying off! However, completing these orders has been tricky. Stressful. I've even let a couple of people down, and I am not a fan of that at all. And if it isn't fun, I don't want to do it. Poor old Daph is having to cope with a lot of changes at the moment, two different nurseries, no mum at her beck and call every minute (phew!) and her sleeping pattern is all over the plac...

The Daphne Tree

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