Friday, 10 May 2013

Parenthood-related Illness

Don't have a kid if you object to the following:

  • Severe insomnia (a given)
  • Sharp-plastic toy-in-foot syndrome
  • Deafness interspersed with supersonic hearing
  • Continual diet and "support-wear" addiction
  • Other addictions include caffiene (purely cold) and alcohol (purely warm)
  • Bank account haemorrage
  • Obsessive lego picking, and occasional fuzzy felt peelage
  • Haggard appearance
  • May become blind to most types of mess
  • Constant elbow-in-boob-itis
  • Heightened sense of smell
  • Lop-sided hips/ arms/ back from child-wearing
  • Incurable baby voice
  • May develop ability to see 2 seconds into the future but be powerless regarding what happens
  • Ability to go from fully reclined to completely upright while still unconscious
  • Loss of memory (except when it comes to remembering to feed the family three times a day for the rest of your life, of course)
  • Loud shouting when near a road
  • Facial expressions which belie actual emotion (You really are very angry that Little Fred has put his penis in his bolognese...)


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