Monday, 4 February 2013

Does it offend you yeah?


What is offensive?

That which is offensive to you is different to that which is offensive to moi. Or so they might say. They probably wouldn't say that as it sounds weird. I am somewhat confusicated this week.

I made a request on a Facebook group page of local people for a hitman. Not a bunk bed, not a local antenatal class, and not a dildo. I can't help but think the dildo would have offended less... Just in case it needs clarifying, it was a comedic, sarcastic, immature joke.

I live in a rather well-to-do, slightly racist, middle class town with twenty too many old people's homes and it's the kind of place where the introduction of a new Lidl store causes heart attacks. It's very pleasant here, but locals actually get a kick out of queueing at the post office, it's like a hobby. I'm pretty sure the "tut" originated in this neck of the woods.

ANYWAY. My joke "distressed" a lot of people and I was virtually spanked and banned from the group. Naughty Nic! So, it got me a bit confused (once I stopped laughing) because I wasn't sure how it was "distressing" or "offensive".

Bear with me. I want to explore this because
a) I can't think of another topic to post on, and
b) I'm always right.

So. Yes it was immature. My actual reason was because the postings had got a bit out of hand. People were asking things like "Do you like guinea pigs?" and "Where can I buy bread without any bread in it?" rather than real, useful things. You know when people post a status asking when Eastenders is on or something? The kind of thing that makes you throw your phone across the room shouting "Google it you moron!"
Maybe that's just me.
But then to add insult to injury, the intellectually stunted but heavy walleted bored of this area stop listening to The Lighthouse Family for a few minutes to ACTUALLY, SERIOUSLY respond to these enquiries.

Now, not content with saying "yes, I like guinea pigs", these are the kind of beauts who will relay an anecdote about the time they "stroked a guinea pig once" or how "you can buy food for them in pet shops".
One "Did you see the queue on X street today?" post too many and I flipped. (By the way you should go join that mother effing queue you boring numpty)

So yeah. But WHY are they offended? Apart from the fact they are very weird and narrow minded?

Maybe my suggesting that they KNOW of a hitman is offensive as it casts aspersions on such a well-respected town?
Maybe they are scared a hitman actually exists?
Maybe they are scared that I exist and could want to kill them? (I'm looking at you, lady who plays tennis with her kids on the busy road- Oh god I am so gonna get her.)
Maybe they were beaten up once?
Maybe their parents were killed by hitmen?

I must be missing something, as I'm genuinely wondering what they mean? Help me out here guys, I don't understand!

I really don't get it. To me hitmen are like spies. They don't really exist except in films, especially not in places where you could just flash a boob to induce a brain hemorrhage. Did they think this was for real?

This group has had photos of male strippers all over it (I have no problem with that) and quite a few "rich people problems" which I personally find offensive, but I do retain a sense of humour. They berate the binmen and postmen like they're low life scum.
 In fact, I'm more offended by the bread questions, and the banal impression that posters give of this place.  It's embarrassing! Not to mention when middle aged women talk about their crushes on boys younger than their grandkids, or bikini waxes, EWW and Ewwwer. Just stop.

Surely much of what you find offensive is based on your personal experience? Or things that are inappropriate for that setting, e.g. I might not wear a wonderbra to my new teaching post. (shudder- sorry for that mental image) or I might not talk about death too much with the over 70 coffin dodgers... it's just a bit much.

Anyway, here's a short and fascinating list of things which I find offensive:
  • people who browse on their phone in company
  • people who define themselves as a wife/mother/husband/father - I might define myself as a human.
  • families with more than two cars
  • bogies
  • inane questions (obviously)
  • PEOPLE WHO DON'T REPLY- just rude I'm afraid.
  •  people who have more than two kids (I'm working on understanding this, at the moment if it's not an accident I think it's just greedy)
  • smokers who defend it
  • the phrase "if you don't do ..x... you aren't complete"
  • bananas
  • things that can't go in the diswasher
Ok getting a bit long now, what do YOU find offensive? Am I a dirty cowbag AGAIN?


  1. Hahaha! Come and live in my town please - I find the hitman question hilarious - we could start our own facebook group in search of said hitman to dispose of people with no sense of humour!

    The road I live on divides itself into two parties "the Victorians" and "the Edwardians" and they hold meetings to discuss issues such as "why did the ginger cat cross the treaty line?" Old people are quite odd. Not meaning to be ageist or anything...

    I totally agree re things that can't go in the dishwasher as offensive. I throw everything in, much to my MIL's disgust.

    I find tomatoes fairly offensive xxx
    ps Guinea pigs are ok I suppose. Rabbits are better :P

  2. The weird thing is, I actually love guinea pigs. But that's not the point! :) Oh crikey meetings about nothing are my idea of hell! xx