The Daphne Tree

It has started. Not the "Why?" yet, but the "What's that?" and "Who's that?" And I know she isn't the only one, as lots of her peers' parents look just as exasperated as I am. Every single book we read at the moment (we have to have three before bed, then have two "made up" stories, always!) ANYWAY, Every single book we read involves the Daph pointing at each character or thing and asking "Whoo dat?" Even when we have read this book FIVE MILLION TIMES and she KNOWS everything about ALL of it. I've taken to giving silly answers, just to prove to her that she knows, e.g. "Who Dat?" "It's a spotty unicorn with a swimming costume on" "No, mummy, it's a lion." "Oh yeh." "Who dat?" "It's your Dad" "Ha. No Mummy, it's a hairy monkey" "titter" So, I do that naughty thing of using sarcasm with my child, which ...

Don't have a kid if you object to the following: Severe insomnia (a given) Sharp-plastic toy-in-foot syndrome Deafness interspersed with supersonic hearing Continual diet and "support-wear" addiction Other addictions include caffiene (purely cold) and alcohol (purely warm) Bank account haemorrage Obsessive lego picking, and occasional fuzzy felt peelage Haggard appearance May become blind to most types of mess Constant elbow-in-boob-itis Heightened sense of smell Lop-sided hips/ arms/ back from child-wearing Incurable baby voice May develop ability to see 2 seconds into the future but be powerless regarding what happens Ability to go from fully reclined to completely upright while still unconscious Loss of memory (except when it comes to remembering to feed the family three times a day for the rest of your life, of course) Loud shouting when near a road Facial expressions which belie actual emotion (You really are very angry that Little Fred has put hi...

Pah. This isn't a negative post, more a resigned one.  It's been a weird old couple of weeks, not sure if I'm here or there. Had a job, tried my best, bent over backwards, go taken advantage of, left. Seems to be a pattern. Happens with people sometimes too. Make a friend, have fun, lend an ear, need an ear, nothing. People might describe me as "not very assertive", but I'd rather call it trusting and quiet.  I do wonder about "growing a pair" and telling people where to go, but if I ever slightly raise my voice they go all mock-shock and act like I'm insane.  And I may very well be, because arguing just ain't my bag, baby. I'd far rather bitch behind your back and not make the effort again, I'm afraid. Even when people are complete A-holes, I still make excuses for them and protect them, "maybe they were bullied", "maybe they are jealous", "maybe they're just not happy", and by always seeing the...

THEY infiltrate every bit of your life. Haha, "life"! I was out. Out out. Out on my own, minus toddler, with adults, in the real world, doing real world stuff. It felt bizarre. Something required me to have a pen. "I have a pen!" I do have a pen in my bag. But when I grope about my bag I pull out 5 crayons, at various stages of being eaten, a pen mysteriously wrapped in a tissue which seems a bit risky, and a water pen for an Aquadraw mat. Which has leaked, obvo. Then when it comes to writing I find myself "sounding out" the words, and discover I can't actually spell, or write anymore. Sigh. OK, screw that, I'm off to the bar. What do I want? Err, that fruity looking thing? HOW MUCH?? Oh god. After a few sips of liquid gold or whatever the fuck it is, and a few rounds of "Is that kid old enough to be in here" I'm off to the loo. Yes it is the fifth time I've gone tonight, problem? Wow, what have they done to the mirro...

Sometimes I forget that Daphne is two, and rhyme and reason do not exist. So when I find myself getting annoyed and flustered, I try to remember that she has been on this earth a mere 30 months, and she thinks her shoes are going to eat her feet. This morning I overheard her dad explaining that "you can't always have everything you want" and laughed, as I have tried to say exactly the same, but all a two year old hears is "No no no! We hate you!" Here are a few more translations, I know they are true because of the reactions I get from her. I say: "Just one cake." She hears: "You can never eat cake again, in fact I'm going to starve you and you will die." I say: "Can you get your coat on please?" She hears: "We're leaving and you will never see any of your toys again." I say: "Bathtime!" She hears: "Time to rub shampoo into your eyes and then drown you, yay!" It's not "we...

Everyone knows they’re part of a gang. But the gangs shift. A LOT. I was in the “loads of friends, pretty, clever, healthy, happy” gang. Then I was in the “alcoholic father” gang. Then the “cheated on” gang. Then the “dead dad” gang. Then the “married” gang, and then the “baby” gang, and I’m now graduating from the “traumatic birth” gang into the “only one child gang”.   Bear with me, I’m not being depressing! I hope… I’m also realising that you’re always in a gang, and it’s a gang of one. There is no way that anyone can be in exactly the same boat as you. No one is better off than you, and no one is worse off. We’re all just us, right? Some things can’t even be directly compared. I have no doubt that for lots of girls in particular, while you’re single it’s an eternal quest for the perfect man, and then you have to get a ring, and then you have to get a baby, then another baby. Then you want a nicer house, a bigger kitchen. A dog? Then you retire. Then…? But it NEVER...

Well, the ballerina trend continues... Crikey, I tried so hard to dress her in everything other than pink, I'm all about equality between boys and girls, I encourage her to play with dinosaurs and lego, and am secretly a bit pleased that she shuns her baby dolls. HOWEVER, she is getting girlier by the day. She may only be two, but she already loves trashy pop songs, twirling around like a ballerina, sparkley things and make up. Nooooooooo! I think parents have little hope really, these are little people with actual opinions! How very dare they?! So ballerinas are IN, and I admit the thought of Daph doing ballet is very cute indeed. But I might make her wear "alternative" tutus. In the name of making and sewing her things to ease my maternal unrelenting and possibly unecessary guilt, I thought I'd get her a tutu. Then I remembered we're on a strict budget at the moment, so what can I make one out of? I found a load of patterned chiffon material in the stash an...