Skip to main content

My 2 year old thinks I'm a murderer

Sometimes I forget that Daphne is two, and rhyme and reason do not exist. So when I find myself getting annoyed and flustered, I try to remember that she has been on this earth a mere 30 months, and she thinks her shoes are going to eat her feet.

This morning I overheard her dad explaining that "you can't always have everything you want" and laughed, as I have tried to say exactly the same, but all a two year old hears is "No no no! We hate you!"

Here are a few more translations, I know they are true because of the reactions I get from her.

I say: "Just one cake."
She hears: "You can never eat cake again, in fact I'm going to starve you and you will die."

I say: "Can you get your coat on please?"
She hears: "We're leaving and you will never see any of your toys again."

I say: "Bathtime!"
She hears: "Time to rub shampoo into your eyes and then drown you, yay!"

It's not "we're going shopping today", its "Today I'm trapping you in a metal cage on wheels and showing you lots of pretty or tasty things you can't have".

And of course at bedtime
"Your father and I are leaving. You need to stay here in the dark on your own and you can never play or eat again. Quite frankly you're lucky to have a dummy. You have these eerie looking soft toys to talk to for however long you survive on your own. Goodbye!"

Poor kid!


Popular posts from this blog

Going Vegan, Three steps forward...

A few years ago my husband and I (because apparently I'm the Queen) decided to become "weekday vegetarians" and only treat ourselves to carcasses at the weekend. This decision came from various discussions and also reading and watching some things.

I'm not pushy about it to other people at all, but I also try not to engage in arguments unless they have seen:
Forks Over KnivesVegucatedWhat the Health Or read: How Not To Die- Dr Michael GregerEating Animals- Johnathan Safran Foer At the time of watching all these things I was fascinated and borderline obsessed with these things I, a fully grown adult woman (some might say overgrown) had no idea about. Such as, how do cows make so much milk? What happens to male baby chicks? Why don't we eat dog?
When I wasn't pondering naive questions out loud, I was googling the answers, and finding a lot of information which was not pretty. This is another one of these "conventional" things we do because we've alw…

10 Ways having a dog is NOT like having a baby

You've all heard it! Here is why it is not the same. Feel free to add some!

1. You can give them away.

2. It is acceptable to lock them in a cage.

3. You can leave them outside the supermarket.

4. Convention says you chuck them in the boot of the car.

5. You feed them by putting a bowl of mush on the floor when you feel like it.

6. Their teeth shouldn't go anywhere near your nipples. Ideally.

7. They don't ask why.

8. You take them to the vet once a year if you're lucky (rather than the doctor every week).

9. When they wake you up at the crack of dawn you can throw them a bone and shout at them to shut up.

10. They don't have to go to god damn awful birthday parties.

Now we are Five, and going to school!

I have no excuses, my blogging has totally dried up. I kept thinking of LOADS of ideas for blog posts, but didn't want to write because either nobody would read them, or because there are already a ton of "mummy bloggers" already doing it.

Well, SCREW that. I love writing and talking shit, so I need to get it out, regardless!


Time has gone by and this little dumpling:

has grown sooooooo much into this rather smart schoolgirl:

And I'm sure I'm the same as every mother in that looking at those two photos makes me want to cry! She is a completely different person! Oh how I miss those chubby little cheeks and huge eyes! It seems like a world away, and also only yesterday.
School has brought with it a whole new set of worries, achievements and well, confusion. I thought I'd know it all as a teacher, but nothing prepares you for THE OTHER SIDE.  When I was teaching and parents dropped their kids off at school and insisted on lingering, I'd roll my eyes an…